introduction

starting in 2020 when i realized i had access to every kingdom hearts game on xbox game pass, i replayed the entire series from beginning to end, and have since continually replayed each of them over and over as i feel the urge to (which is often). coming back to the series as a grown up who played kh1 and kh2 (as well as reading chunks of the manga) has been incredibly interesting, and i've had lots to say about it over the years. these writings originally existed as tumblr posts, but i felt it might be interesting to compile them in one place! these little essays have little to nothing to do with each other, so i didn't see a need to combine them into a singular long essay.

in any case, i hope you find these ramblings interesting! i know most of them found positive attention on tumblr when i posted them. and if i happen to write more and post it to tumblr (very likely) i'll add them here as well

both background images come from the kh1 manga, by shiro amano, and the other images scattered throughout the writings are mostly my own photos/screenshots

environmental body horror in kh1

^{-- july 31, 2020}

i wanna take a quick sec to talk about how much i appreciate the subtle ways that kingdom hearts presents some astoundingly dark concepts. yeah yeah i know itsnotthatdeep.jpg but what if we just engaged with media in good faith, at the level its trying to reach us......just sometimes.......as a treat (i'm admonishing myself just as much as everybody else here)

kingdom hearts isn't exactly a series known for its subtlety. every single bit of the story is painstakingly spelled out for us in excessive character dialogue and flashbacks, which is definitely the series' most fundamental writing flaw, apart from how convoluted it all is; the age old "show, don't tell" problem combined with a lack of trust in the audience's comprehension skills. so to have disturbing implications shown to us only visually, leaving us to put the pieces together, instead of explicitly told is just. chilling. anyone playing through the series without paying attention, having interest in the worlds or story, or being curious about their surroundings would completely miss these things (i certainly did back in the day, by virtue of being too young to understand anything beyond "hee hee hoo hoo disney characters and settings" which is honestly a valid approach for a kid)

for instance, near the end of kh1 u explore an area called "the end of the world" -- a series of dark craters and caves that go deeper and deeper (which honestly on its own is pretty silent hill levels of terrifying tbh, only mitigated by the fact that donald duck and goofy are there lol) and it takes u thru corridors containing ruins of worlds lost to the heartless

again, if ur not paying close attention (it is close to the end of the game so it's understandable to be distracted by excitement and final boss prep) u might not notice familiar features in these areas. the game itself certainly doesn't call attention to it beside the fact that it exists for u to pass through. no one comments on it and no plot developments occur inside of it

herein u see thorny briars, uniquely stylized forests and architecture; remnants of former grandeur, rendered nearly unrecognizable. this was once the world of sleeping beauty

here's what's left of snow white's world. the trees of the forest now permanently twisted into frightening shapes as one vague mass from floor to ceiling (does it count as body horror if they don't have bodies in the traditional sense? this has body horror energy)

this one image burned into the wall of one corridor of a castle is what remains of cinderella's world. blink and you'll miss it

that's when u realize THIS is what happens when heartless invade worlds and keyblade wielders aren't there to stop it. this is why sora's duty is so important (and consequently another reason why it's so horrifying that destiny placed the role on the shoulders of a child)

now, we know that the princesses of these worlds are still alive, since a huge part of the main plot includes how those princesses' hearts are needed to create kingdom hearts, but what of the rest of the people populating those worlds??? they all were consumed and/or became heartless themselves??

but that's not where the horror stops!!!! now that i'm playing birth by sleep -- a prequel taking place before the destruction that occurred just before and during kingdom hearts 1 -- for the first time, i'm seeing these worlds as they once were. sleeping beauty, snow white, and cinderella's worlds had been lush and simple, fully inhabited, and blissfully unaware of the multiversal, existential threat that exists beyond their worldly borders (although they were presently terrorized by unversed, the unversed don't seem to have the destructive power of the heartless)

and like, i feel it important to mention that normally i'm deeply unimpressed with Dark and Edgy(tm) takes on disney properties, but this feels different. it doesn't exist conceptually isolated solely for the purpose of shocking people, it's one small part of a larger story

this is embarrassing both in its length and earnestness but y'all know by now i have Physically Unable To Shut Up Disease. i will always be the annoying one in the room defending kingdom hearts' writing worldbuilding and story despite its many flaws lmfao, and it's in large part bc the dark and disturbing parts aren't the beginning or the end of what these games have to say. underneath the clumsy dialogue and ridiculously bloated plot and cast is a message about love. and compassion. and hope. the physical and existential cost of hatred is immense and overwhelming but nobody is beyond redemption and not all damage is irreversible

existentialism

^{-- august 19, 2020}

whenever the kh games get into some of their deeper themes and messages they can cause me to feel existential melancholy and comfort at the same time. i feel like i've used the word "existential" 8 billion times in reference to this series but it rly is a central, integral issue they're trying to philosophically address. and it's a reminder that existentialism is not the same as nihilism (a concept i reject wholeheartedly). i think the confusion occurs when ppl use the term "existential crisis" loosely when they mean something else. questioning ur purpose in life is not the same thing as adopting the belief that there is no purpose to ur life or anything else in the universe

as an aside, the games equally delve into the concept and implications of existence, not just purpose. basically the whole conflict, for both sides, is for existence, and existence for the right reasons. while some characters die or otherwise lose physical form or access to physical worlds, the worst fate that one can suffer is ceasing to exist. which may sound like the same thing as death, but in this universe it demonstrably isn't, and it's bc of their inclusion of The Heart, which is synonymous with our understanding of the soul. the body can die but the heart(/soul) lives on and can find its way back if guided or strong enough to find its own way. but hearts can be destroyed and absorbed and that's true death in the kh universe

it gets more complicated with the introduction of nobodies -- beings without hearts (not to be confused with the heartless......)THAT i feel deserves a post of its own to dissect properly. maybe another time. i guess the thing about them is that they can still take physical form bc their hearts aren't destroyed; they're only lost. they may technically exist but not in any meaningful way, which is why characters like roxas + namine + axel make us so sad. and xion too but on a whole other level. experiencing that kind of despair where one feels no meaning is what drives a person to starting/joining apocalypse cults. i wanted to share that clip the other day in which roxas was 'born' and immediately was in crisis, which xemnas was anticipating and swooped in to induct him into organization xiii. watching that scene as an adult hit me so differently. i didn't understand cults as a kid

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^{-- august 19, 2020}

one important thing i stupidly forgot to mention in my post about kh and existentialism is that ceasing to exist in kh means that it's like you never existed. no one has memory of you. your acts, your creations, your influence; they all disappear with you.

this is why it means so much to me whenever two characters who are friends in these games have to say goodbye (sometimes forever). they make sure to mention that they'll keep the other in their hearts eternally. at first glance it just sounds like cliche drivel, but in the context of this universe it's a promise that they care enough about the other person to help preserve their existence.

i remember you. i think of you often. i value you as an individual. we may not see each other again but i find comfort and joy in the fact that you continue to exist

and THAT'S the part that brings me comfort alongside the melancholy

humanizing sora in the novels

(plus a note about humanizing axel/lea)

^{-- march 23, 2022}

i'm really really enjoying the dream drop distance novelization so far and it's 100% bc books can do things that video game cutscenes can't, namely being privy to the contents of someone's head. it's a lot of little things that add depth and complexity to every scene and make an experience that feels like the same story as before, beat for beat, but different enough to keep it captivating

i've commented before about how much i love sora's reactions to things being said to him in cutscenes, bc he barely understands anything. especially if it's spoken by a villain. when we're inside his mind we see that he's not just a kid with zero brain cells (he is a kid with zero brain cells but more than that). he remembers things, makes connections, asks questions, jumps to conclusions, tries to formulate thought and behavior the way he thinks that he should versus the way he does naturally. the only thing that comes out of his mouth tho is "huh?" bc regardless, sora is sora, and we love him

the scene in the pinocchio level where sora first finds himself in the amusement park, we find out that the reason why it excites him so much, at this point in his journey where he's seen and done things far more exciting than park rides, is bc he's never been to something as kid-oriented and quintessential as an amusement park. his first time on a roller coaster, he compares it to flying (because he has done that before). it's hard for him to temper his excitement with jiminy's warnings about becoming a jackamule should he lose himself to his whims -- a thought that does frighten him but is hard to keep at the forefront. idk, i just find that little tidbit interesting bc i definitely remember childhood experiences like that, trying to balance chasing fun and impulses with responsibility/consequences, or maybe just bc i was a kid with adhd? later, when he dives into the ocean to chase after monstro, he reassures himself by remembering how much he loved to swim, growing up an islander

there was a chapter from axel/lea's perspective where we got to witness him dream about roxas, then wake up alive and human with no memory of roxas or the dream, then recall memories from childhood he couldn't access for years while he was a nobody about befriending some other kid in radiant garden whose name he can't remember (ventus), then wonder why that kid reminded him so much of someone else (roxas, naturally). some of this happened in the game as well, but only the first part, and not any indication of the memories that came back to him afterward and the confusion they gave him. the book gave us an intimate look into the mind of someone who has always been known for being mysterious and hard to understand (at least according to his profile text in the games)

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^{-- october 9, 2022}

i stupidly didn't bring my kh1 novel with me on my long trip away from home but now i'm getting back into it and already seeing more interesting stuff

yet another instance of the benefit of textual narration as a medium as opposed to video game cutscenes. we get a look into the things that sora thinks but doesn't say out loud, and thus we never realize. it's not a surprise that sora gets scared, but it is that he hates sometimes. it's very humanizing to read honestly. sora is profoundly compassionate and sweet but he still is a human being like the rest of us, and hate as an emotion is part of the package

also this is meaningful bc he's just learned the origin of the heartless from ansem's reports and that he is not immune to being turned into one himself. an imbalance of emotions can put one at risk, which the knowledge in itself is enough to unbalance one's emotions. it's a lot for a child to handle (as usual, in this series)

masculinity and childhood

^{-- august 11, 2020}

now that i think about it having sora possess the kind of personality he does is key (no pun intended) to kingdom hearts being actually enjoyable. sora is sincere, compassionate, and caring, with a hint of mischief and even a bit of hidden rage as is typical of the shounen genre. he unabashedly loves cute things. his emotions are always outspoken by him, if not already clear on display through his actions and demeanor. he sings, dances, and plays with princesses, monsters/aliens, and stuffed animals alike.

as a more traditional hero, he exhibits only the least toxic masculine traits. he's always ready to and already HAS sacrificed his life to save others -- his priority is always the safety, livelihoods, and happiness of others, no matter who they are (except xehanort and associates, ofc). the (perhaps naive) confidence, peerless optimism, and determination he has in spite of his weaknesses inspire his friends to persevere and even inspire his enemies to switch sides. his belief in the inherent goodness of every person that he sees is so absolute that again and again he will place his trust in anyone claiming to want to do good, for better or worse. usually worse bc that’s what we call gullibility. he is, how they say, Pure of Heart, Dumb of Ass.

if sora were, say, the most common type of (western) video game protag, all steeped in cynicism, snark, and the hyper self conscious Too Cool For This vibe instilled by toxic masculinity, it just wouldn't work at all. it would halt the progression of the story, kill the mood, and suck all the joy out of playing as him. like, why spend hours traversing cartoon worlds if ur incapable of being nice and having fun in a pure, earnest, and simple way without 18 layers of irony to separate u from anything that could remotely be considered feminine

in short i just love that tiny spiky haired boy so so much and we're so lucky to have a male protag that subverts toxic masculine ideals so completely

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^{-- august 11, 2020}

OH ONE MORE IMPORTANT THING ABOUT SORA THAT I FORGOT TO SAY. he is overwhelmingly childish. ......BUT...... he is not immature. his childishness manifests as simplicity, innocence, and playfulness, not as emotional unintelligence or selfishness

also, he is for all intents and purposes literally a child. arguably as the series progresses he becomes 'too old' to have the same level of childishness but like. i say we shouldn't be forcing our teens to be mini-adults in the first place. let ppl develop at their own pace, and if they're still childlike as an adult? so be it! depending on the traits in question they're not inherently causing harm. like i said sora is not immature. he's had a strong sense of responsibility since before it should've ever been expected of him. in the last post i said he readily sacrificed himself. it was a levelheaded responsible decision he made without input from anyone else. AND IT HAPPENED.......IN THE F I R S T GAME. HE WAS LIKE 11 OR 12. AND STILL HE THOUGHT TO HIMSELF 'oh i guess this is the only way to save kairi. no way around it then *impales self*'(oh um. spoilers for kh1. but we all know he turned out ok bc otherwise it wouldn't be a series lmfao) anyway my point is that it's definitely reasonable to expect ppl to outgrow some childish traits that'd be inappropriate for an adult. but there are also some childish traits that are really good to keep. and sora is a veritable model of this

triton's unexplained role

^{-- may 10, 2024}

i've always found king triton in the kh series fascinating. i'm not sure why, but he's one of the few disney characters who have a full (or near full) awareness of like. the cosmic sea of different worlds and the keyblade and its implications (another being hades, but he's a god so i figure that's the explanation? though, i suppose triton, in mythology, is the son of poseidon -- so he's a demi-god? but maybe i'm grasping at nonexistent threads here). it's implied he even knows about the keyblade war of yore

usually, sora is repeatedly told to keep his mouth shut about the many worlds and his true purpose when visiting each world, in order to maintain the "world order". it would kinda fuck me up in an eldritch horror sense to learn that this kid i'm talking to and who is pretending to be of this world came from another dimension-planet and there are infinite others and the only reason they're traversible right now is because there's a force threatening the universe's whole existence lol..... so there is something to maintaining the world order i suppose

in kh1, sora blusters into atlantica, as usual, bearing the keyblade talking about trying to find a keyhole. upon learning of his presence, triton flips his lid, ordering him to leave, saying the presence of a keyblade is a portent of ruin (he's not wrong about imminent ruin's connection to keyblades, but he's got the cause and effect backwards), and is furious that this interloper is anywhere near his already difficult-to-control daughter (sora, a bad influence??) and eventually punishes ariel for continuing to collaborate with sora against his directions and destroys the keyhole in fear and outrage, which. does the opposite of protect the world from destruction. but eventually that all works out and triton, post ursula defeat, is like. ok. i guess i can't stop this. do what you have to

and then in kh2, sora is back in atlantica like "hi ^_^" and the first response he has is basically "JESUS H CHRIST WHY ARE YOU BACK. I THOUGHT YOU FIXED IT". but sora is like "actually i don't know why i'm here yet. that i'm able to go to this world implies there's trouble but everything seems fine?" and somehow that's enough to mollify triton even though that would send me into a paranoid spiral

poor sora is such an unwelcome sight for anyone who knows that his presence means the world might end.......at least if u don't trust sora to do his job well (and i can see why in kh1 he wouldn't look at a 12 year old goofball and think "oh yeah we're in good hands") or don't understand that he's the solution and not the problem itself but like. if the same dang boy showed up right before shit started going sideways i'd get wrong ideas about it too

bonus questionnaire meme

i can't recall where i got this from bc i've had it on my hard drive for a while. alas

Favorite Game: Kingdom Hearts 2
Favorite Organization Member: Axel
Favorite Overall Character: Aqua
Favorite Couple: Sora x Riku x Kairi
Favorite World: Beast's Castle, Symphony of Sorcery, Toy Box, The Pride Lands
Favorite Bad-Guy: Hades
Favorite Good-Guy Helper: Simba
Favorite Song: Sanctuary, Monstrous Monstro
Favorite FF Character: Yuna, Rikku, and Paine
Favorite Disney Character: Tarzan, Elizabeth Swann, Goofy